Crawling back, hating yourself for not being able to stay true to your word. Feeling embarrassed you have once again succumbed to this weird magic spell, this addiction, this unhealthy place you go to because of insecurity, wanting to feel better, but come out more fragile and vulnerable every time.  

Oh you’re pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about yet? That’s cute. Maybe check your inbox and you’ll know what I mean. Forget it, I’ll just tell you. Because you probably have deleted the messages, thinking it will go away like that, thinking that if there’s no evidence, it didn’t actually happen. 

I’m talking about ex-sex. The cardinal sin that even the best of us have committed. 

And it’s fine you know. Because it makes sense. We want affection, we want to feel wanted and we want to matter. And finding someone new means investing time and feelings and energy you can’t get back if it goes sour. But an ex? You’ve already wasted all of the above and you know it’s not working between you two. You literally having nothing to lose. Maybe your dignity but that’s a mental barrier you overcome very quickly when you’re horny. Going back to them feels like…getting your money’s worth. Kinda like that old pair of trainers that you keep wearing despite being out of fashion. You’ll wear them for comfort, you’ll wear them to just get through your day. You know what you’re getting with them, there are no surprises.  

And it’s one of those things just the two of you know about. You don’t brag or share or kiss and tell. You just do it. Like a cigarette when you’re trying to quit.  

In silence, in solitude, in shame, in pleasure.