“I’m doing Glastonbury this year for my friends but what I really want is Coachella,” said she whilst filling up her cup with coffee. She “couldn’t live without it” apparently.  

It was 9am and I don’t remember asking her about it. I don’t remember asking her anything for that matter. All I ever wanted was a glass of water. If other people happen to be in the kitchen, acknowledging each other’s existence by nodding our heads and mumbling good morning is typically the protocol. The audacity of some people to form sentences in the morning is beyond me. Coachella my ass. 

I carried my carcass to the desk and sat myself down. Yeah, sat down. When you’ve worked as a waiter in 10-hour shifts where your feet went numb and your legs couldn’t support your frame, you’ll sit at every chance you get. You’ll sit from Leicester Square to Covent Garden station pretending you can’t see the 5-year old kid at the end of the wagon. You’ll sit on the pavement of the fancy pop-up, no reservation restaurant waiting for your turn. So stop trying to sell me on standing tables. Ain’t gonna happen.

There’s a passive-aggressive energy floating in the room. The office is filled with people acting like they’re excited to be at work. They’re all smart enough to be employers and not employees but they prefer the safety of a salary. They’re bitter about not fulfilling their potential so they drown their resentment during happy hour every day after work. Not on the weekends though. That’s when they chill.  

The day usually consists of meetings where people talk but don’t listen, plan but don’t execute and then catch ups to evaluate whether anyone understands what the company really does. Towards the latter part of the day everyone engages in a game called “Staying Late”. This game is played across offices around the capital regardless of industry. The name of the game should give you clues as to what the objective is. Participants stay in the office way beyond the necessary hour in an attempt to show their passion and hard working mentality. The person who outstays everyone else is the winner. If you manage to couple that with a win on the equally popular game of “First in the Office,” you’re a strong candidate to be the employee everyone despises.  

Congratulations Sarah from Accounts. That’s you. Enjoy Coachella.