“So you pull your swimsuit down every time you want to pee?” 

“YES.” 

“But why? You’re in the sea.” 

“The pee goes through my clothes! And so does the bacteria!” 

“Bro, you’re in the sea. You’re in the water. That’s why you chose to pee there in the first place!” 

“Yeah but the feeling is disgusting. If you keep your boxers on, the pee doesn’t escape fast enough, giving you that disgusting warm feeling like you’re peeing on yourself!” 

“YOU WEAR BOXERS UNDER YOUR SWIMSUIT? What’s wrong with you? Why? Why would you do that? Our friendship’s in jeopardy. So let me ask you this. If you’re gonna wear boxers, why change clothes at all? Why not just get in the water with a suit? That makes sense!” 

“Ha, ha. Very funny. Joe wears boxers. It’s not just me! What if you dive and your swimsuit falls off? The boxers give you security.” 

“So let me get this straight. When you pee in the sea, you have to remove two pieces of clothing. Wow. Your life’s too complicated. You know that if someone happens to be snorkeling, they’ll probably think you’re taking a shit, right?”

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up.” 

“Talking of taking a shit, what’s with jumping in the shower after each shit? Yeah, that’s right. I can hear you in the mornings.” 

“What’s wrong with that?! I’m fucking cleaning myself man!” 

“So you’re clean but the rest of the civilized world who simply wipe our ass with toilet paper are dirty? And what about when you’re not home. What do you do when you’re at work?” 

“I have baby wipes.” 

“What if you’re at a friend’s house with no baby wipes on you? Do you jump in their shower?” 

“No, hell no. I’ll just hold it till I get home.” 

“You can’t always hold it. Remember that time when I barely made it to the Starbucks toilet? There was no holding it then.” 

“That was you. I can hold it.” 

“Oh I see. So you’re a bladder guru now.” 

“I never said that! I just have good control of my bowel movements.” 

“Your what? Dude. Have you never been in an emergency? You know, Code Red. Assquake. Leakage.” 

“Stoooop! That’s disgusting. I get you. No, no I never have. There was this one time I ate bad Chinese take out but I was lucky to be home.”  

“So you took a shower.” 

“Correct.”  

“I must say, I have known you for so many years but this conversation makes me feel like I know nothing about you. Just when you think you know someone…Unbelievable.”